This doctor claims that he’ll increase your penis size by injecting your own blood back into it

There are many benefits to a bigger penis – it looks great in cycling shorts, you can get more elaborate tattoos on it and it’s more hygienic, because you can wash your bell-end in the toilet water while you’re having a piss. It’s the dream.

Up until now, penis enlargement techniques ranged from the ridiculous to the incredibly dangerous. If you do not want surgery, then you’ve got the following options:

A penis pump – This involves sticking your oak into a plastic device and sucking all the air out. It will not work and is a very embarrassing thing to have to buy. Especially when you forget to change the delivery address and it ends up at your office. Trust me.

Jelquing – This is a manual technique whereby you massage your willy wombat from the base until the head, to increase big penis  blood flow and circulation. There is no real proof that it works, and again, it is extremely embarrassing if you forget to change the address at which you do it and end up jelquing in the office. Trust me.

Pills – GET YOUR SEN A BIG penis MAN reads the subject line, but a bigger dick will not result from these scams. They won’t work and can be dangerous to take as they often contain unregulated chemicals. Also, they can cause embarrassment in the office as many of them have simply the same effect as Viagra. Trust me.

Traction – This essentially involves hanging increasingly heavy weights off the end of your lizard, essentially stretching it in length. These weights are very tiny though – do not try doing this in the gym. Trust me.

After that, it gets a little more invasive:

Silicone injection – This involves stuffing a needle full of liquid silicone into your flume and pumping it up a couple of sizes. This is extremely dangerous and often ends in your wonka looking like a wet sock full of conkers. Trust me.

Finally, the only real technique to have proven results, you gotta go the surgery route:

Medical enlargement – Best to steer clear from this, as you don’t really want anyone going anywhere near your glow-worm with a knife, do you? One of the most popular procedures involves cutting the ligament that connects the penis to the pelvic bone, giving you a bit more shaft (about 2cm). Thing is, that’s only when flaccid – it doesn’t affect your lob-size whatsoever. It can also cause permanent nerve damage, which only reveals its plus points the next time you get booted in the knackers with a football. Trust me.


New York Surgeon Says He Can Make Penises Bigger by Injecting Them With Blood

In man’s forever quest to find new ways to enlarge their penises (even though size truly doesn’t matter!), a New York-based surgeon has come up with a non-surgical solution: Inject a guy’s own blood back into his penis.

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Norman Rowe, a board-certified plastic surgeon, calls his technique the “bulge buster” and says patients can gain up to 1.5 inches in circumference (CIRCUMFERENCE) from the procedure, according to the Daily Mail. The procedure reportedly mimics one commonly used for athletes that involves drawing a man’s blood, removing the platelets, and reinjecting the plasma-rich blood back into his penis. And apparently, it’s all easy-peasy and totally no big deal. “You come in, get the injection, 20 minutes later you’re walking out,” Rowe told the Daily Mail.

Though Rowe said “erections are fine” after the procedure, he has not had patients to take their penis enlarged for at least two days. No matter how much they may want to … try it out.